Turning Heartbreak Into Healing

Hello, all! How is everyone?

I AM ALIVE, I AM WELL, I AM HAPPY & I HAVE PEACE!

I am also pretty proud of myself for the progress in my healing journey. Today marks an entire month since I last spoke to or messaged Obed. I blocked him and I don’t regret it. Sure I still think of him and miss him some days, but there is no turning back. I have to move forward. Today I want to share about an experience I had recently and also how I broke the news to my nearest and dearest friends about my divorce.

About two weeks ago I visited a restaurant that O and I would frequent in East Dallas. It is one of my favorite places, called Palapas Seafood Bar. They have the best ceviche, estilo Sinaloa (Sinaloa, Mexico style seafood). It is absolutely delish! If you haven’t already gone to check it out, I encourage you to do so. On this particular night I went, I was sitting at the bar with a friend, enjoying a shrimp cocktail and a michilada (Mexican bloody mary).

Suddenly, the chef, came over to say hi and chit chat for a minute. She and Obed are old friends and used to work together. She approached me with a huge smile on her face. I hadn’t seen her in a long while and she proceeded to ask how Obed and I have been. She wondered why “we” hadn’t been by the restaurant in quite some time. Then, I told her that “we” were no longer an item. Her smile quickly turned into a frown as she expressed her sincerest and deepest sympathy.

An entire year later and I still find myself breaking the news to mutual friends and acquaintances about our divorce. I’m just glad I can finally talk about it without bursting into to tears. I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t still chip away a little bit at my heart. I suppose there comes a time in everyone’s life when you experience heartbreak.

Sometimes, your heart breaks when your favorite heels get scuffed or someone eats the last damn cupcake.

Heartbreak comes in all different forms. However, I know, that the most dreadful and painful of them all is when you lose someone you love. Whether it’s by a breakup, divorce, separation, death or simply disconnect. We all experience it. No one escapes heartbreak, unless of course, you are the Tin Man! Even though we experience it over and over again, it never gets easy.

Recounting my story of divorce has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. It does get easier each time, especially now that I am kinda over it. I mean…I am not “OVER it” but I have accepted my position and that helps me to able to talk about it.

Initially, when the divorce was freshly finalized, it was so difficult to speak about. I was still in shock of it all and kinda hoping that it was all just a horrible dream. However, once I got to a place of peace and acceptance, I realized that speaking about it and now blogging, has been the best thing for me.

The only thing that doesn’t get easier is breaking everyone else’s heart, and that is why this post is dedicated to all of my lovelies and bestest friends in the whole wide world!

I had the hardest time figuring out when was a good time to share the news of my divorce. There were times when I wanted to send out a mass group text but I knew I didn’t want it to be informal. I wanted to be in a better state, mentally and emotionally. I really needed the time to understand why I was in this position and how I even got here in the first place. Divorce is such a painful experience and sometimes, it takes time to process and accept your new reality.

Once you start sharing your story, everyone always has so many questions and sometimes you just don’t have the answers. You, yourself are still trying to figure it all out. I guess that is why I struggled so much to tell certain friends. I wanted so badly to share, but I just wasn’t ready to be a divorcée. Hell, I’m still not ready to be a divorcée, but I am. So I handled it the best way I knew how. I started telling them one by one, or in small groups, once I got past the confusion and intense emotions. I knew early on that I wanted to blog about it and I definitely didn’t want to have any of my close friends find out through a blog post. Can you imagine? They would never forgive me.

Every time I share my truth about my divorce, it still hurts a little bit, but I know that in that hurt, I am healing and that gives me comfort.

When I share my story for the first time with a clueless friend, I see their reactions and how their hearts break for me. It rips away at my heart, but it also helps mend it back together, because I know that in my pain, in this particular season of my life, my friends are there for me. They love me and they care about my well-being and that my friends, is one of the best things in the world.

So, to all my dolls, my confidants, my best friends from childhood and the ones I have made along the way, THANK YOU!

Y’all are my rocks, my diamonds, my priceless treasure of friends that are so near and dear to my heart and I could never imagine doing life without any of you. Y’all have laughed and cried with me, shared in my pain and helped me to see the silver lining, even in the most difficult times. Each of you have taught me something about myself that I didn’t know, which is, that I am much stronger than I think I am. With this post, I want y’all to know that my strength stems from you. I love y’all so berry, berry, much and I am forever grateful for having each of you in my life.

CHEERS FRIENDS! MAKE TODAY FABULOUS! XO

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Sometimes, I Cry

Hi friends! How is everyone on this drizzly and gloomy Monday? I can testify, that I have had much better days before, but I am hangin’ in there today, even if only by a thread…The past several days, I have been a little somber. I really make it a point to put forth my best effort to suppress those sometimes lonesome feelings and try not to drag myself down into a pit of sorrow. Despite having been divorced for a little over a year now, as time goes on, it does get easier, but I still have those days where I get emotional. There are still some nights when I just cannot seem to catch or even hold on to a Z. It sucks!

The whole process of divorce is one that takes a toll on you in several ways. One of those being exhaustion, but also the unexpected urge to sometimes, cry it out. Most days, I am fine. I have come to accept my position and I know that I am still on a roller-coaster of emotions.

Some days it seems as if I take three steps forward and take two back. The effects of divorce can creep up on you and I am still learning that it is actually, okay. There is no right or wrong way to grieve a loss in divorce. You have to feel it to get through it, they say.

A good friend of mine said it best, when I messaged her venting about my feelings on this very somber day, when I am missing Obed the most. Her response was,

“Acknowledge it. Observe it. Let it flow through you and it will pass. The deeper the river the tougher the drought. Hugs.”

Her response was perfect. It was everything I needed to read to wipe those tears away and pick my head up. I smiled, because even though I don’t feel strong today, I know I am not weak.

I am still learning that it is a normal part of the process and some days, redundant. One day you are having a ball and you are absolutely certain that you are well on your way to recovery. You understand why the divorce was best. Then, the very next day you can feel that there was still more that you could have done or should have done to save the marriage. You feel guilty about things said or done and you hate that you didn’t save your marriage.

Or some days you think, you absolutely did do everything you could and it was time to just let it go. Up and down, up and down, UP & DOWN! It is exhausting! So on the days I feel confused and the melancholy sets in…

sometimes, I cry.

Some nights, I just let out a tear or two and I cry out to God and I let Him have it. I so undeservingly cast my fears and my burdens onto my Savior. Sometimes I cry harder than others, but in the end I can always smile. Because although I am sometimes weary and restless, I still have joy! I rejoice in the fact that regardless of my circumstance I still have so much to be thankful for. God has given me the ability to wake up to another day and He has most assuredly blessed me in abundance. I have my health, amazing family and friends, a wonderful job, a super cute place, a nice ride, money in my banks and even pocket change.

I may not have everything I want but I have everything I need. Maybe I don’t have the husband that I so diligently prayed for, for so long, but I do have other men in my life that love me: my brothers, my daddy, and most importantly, my Heavenly Father! & if that can’t bring a smile to my face or make my heart pitter-patter, I don’t know what else would.

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En El Olvido

Por mas que pasa el tiempo, no logro olvidarte. Maldita sea el amor, maldita sea el olvido! Hoy, ya pasaron 13 meses y 23 dias, que aun no te tengo a mi lado. Possiblemente te siga amanando, o possiblemente solo este acostumbrada a tu amor.

Unos dias despierto sin pensarte, otros dias, no paro de pensarte. Pero nunca te olvido. Hasta hoy, no lo he podido lograr.

Usted no sabe lo que es el amor…

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