In Waiting: We Find Peace

Eight (8) years – that is how long Obed and I would have been together this month, had we not gotten divorced. Our dating anniversary was July 23, 2009. Before, dates like this affected me so much. It made me so angry and upset. My heart would feel so heavy and sometimes it would bring me to tears. I’d allow an entire day be ruined by my double-mindedness. I would claim to have faith in God and trust in His plan for my life and my marriage, then I would contemplate over and over why or how we ended up divorced. A marriage I felt so strongly about and believed would be forever – now dissolved. It was heart-wrenching to go through, but looking back, I would not change my heartbreak or pruning for a “happily ever after”. I know God has that in my future.

One year and seven months later – I am stronger, wiser and more confident in who I am without Obed. As I have stated before, I don’t have anything negative to speak on in regards to my marriage or Obed as a human being. I will always regard him as a very special, unique and sweet person in my life. This does not mean that there were not any negative things about him – in fact, there were many. I just choose not to degrade him because regardless of my circumstance, I learned from him.

My short-lived 4 years of marriage helped make me into the person I am today. I learned so much about myself during my marriage and even more so after my divorce. I became a different person. I’ve learned to be a better listener, to be more compassionate, less judgmental and even how to fight fair. I understand now, that marriage is not about me. A husband is not responsible for making me feel happy or complete. Marriage is about honoring God. It is a covenant between two people to put Him first, while being selfless, drawing closer to God in unity with the person you have chosen to love, every. single. day. 

Love is a choice; it is not a feeling. Actually, it is more than just a choice, it is the intentional and unwavering decision to continue to love someone, despite their flaws. You know – like God loves us? Unconditionally.

That is how I tried to love Obed and sometimes I failed at it but I love and respect him enough to keep his flaws to myself. My mother always told me that a marriage is between 3 people: you, your partner and God. Everything else is not anyone else’s business.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I will share with you some of the lessons and not so glamorous moments in my marriage, because if it were all just rainbows and butterflies, I wouldn’t be blogging about my divorce. Obed wronged me. He betrayed me and hurt me. He absolutely was not a perfect mate, but neither was I. I was selfish. I didn’t always love him unconditionally. There are so many times that I can remember when I tore him down, instead of lifting him up. I was snide, disrespectful and I didn’t always honor him as my husband. He is guilty of the same. It’s bound to happen, when you get two imperfect people together. Regardless, however, I am grateful for my marriage and my divorce.

Y’all may or may not remember, but I posted a blog about blocking Obed, a while back. I felt like I needed to in order to sort things out within myself and “get over” him. However, that has since changed. He is unblocked, and we are now friends. It still kinda bothers me to regard him as such, because he was so much more than that to me, but it is what it is. We are friends.

I spent a lot of time, thinking of all the reasons why I should not be his friend. In fact, I’ve never been friends with an ex. I mean I don’t hate any of my exes. I would smile or say hi if I ever happened to run into them in public but with O, it is different. He was my husband. He was ONE with me and he is a scar on my heart that will remain there forever. Now if you are wondering why, I would keep in touch with him at this point, it is simply to share God’s love. One of the things that I remember so vividly about the demise of our marriage, is something Obed said about me to our marriage counselor. He told our counselor that because of me, he knows that God exists!

I don’t know about you, but that to me is pretty powerful. It means that I somehow impacted his life in a major way. It means that regardless of my imperfections, Obed saw God in me. Since my divorce, I have prayed and pleaded for God to show me if I need to let Obed go and this is what He has shown me:

I need to let go of the things over which I have no control. I need to let go of my feelings of fear, anger, resentment, uneasiness and judgment. It is not my place to understand God’s plan for my life, it is my place to trust Him. He has shown me that I can still love someone even when that love is not well received or reciprocated. He has replaced all those negative feelings with confidence, serenity, excitement, peace and acceptance. I know now, that I can be Obed’s friend and still love him from afar. It is ok for me to share God’s love with him and continue to be a light in his life. I don’t have to be constant, but I can be present. I can continue to pray for him and be a friend if he needs one.

I’ve let Obed go as my husband, but I have held on to hope that God will bring a new love into my life, when He is ready. One that will have many of the same qualities that I admired so much about Obed and even better ones, that I cannot even begin to imagine. Enough time has passed now, that I have let go of the idea of only loving Obed for the rest of my life. I have given myself permission to love someone else, and not feel like a failure because my marriage didn’t prosper. I understand now, that nothing I plan for my future will ever be prosperous, if God is not in it.

His plan will always prevail over mine, and that is where I want to lie down to rest and wait on God to fulfill His will for my life, whatever that may be.

 

 

 

 

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Letting Go & Letting God

Well…hello sweet friends! How are YOU today? I feel great, I am in a fantastic mood but I will admit, I was hoping I would have a blog post up the day after Independence Day but that didn’t happen. I promise I had every intention to, but life happens!

So today I want to blog about letting go and letting God direct your path. This is something that I have always had a bit of struggle with and maybe you can relate. I grew up being a believer and knowing of God and all His might! Maybe you did too. However, I feel that as a young believer, we cling to our faith by piggy-backing off of our parents faith. We believe because we are taught to. We believe because we have seen God’s good work through our church experience and we grow to love God. Yet, I truly believe that we do not really come to fully know God until we experience His grace and mercy in our lives. It is during our most darkest hours that we can experience God’s love and light in our own lives.

Or at least that has been true for me…

You see, in my healing journey post divorce, I have experienced a different kind of God than the one I grew up knowing. I mean, don’t get me wrong – like, I know God is real, has always been real and ever-so-present in my life to this very day.

BUT GOD — has revealed Himself to me in a entirely different and new way.

&

THANK GOD for that. FO REAL, fo real!!! I honestly do not know how anyone can go through any period or season of their life in hardship, without crying out and seeking God for help. A really close and sweet friend of mine said this one day in conversation (maybe not verbatim, but along these lines). Of course she was much more eloquent with her words, but it went something like this:

“The fact that we ask ‘why’ when we go through a difficult situation, is proof that God is real. Otherwise, why do we even bother to ask ‘why’? Or who are we asking? God exists, because we question the things that we do not understand…”

Isn’t that just beautiful and comforting? Even if you do not have a solid relationship with Christ, He still hears your prayers. He still searches your heart and He still delivers on His promises. He is your creator and He loves you, even right in the middle of your mess. If that doesn’t fill your heart with joy and comfort, I honestly don’t know what else would. We all want to feel happy, secure and loved in our lives and God can provide all of those things if you let Him. Before my divorce, I thought I needed a husband to feel happy, secure and loved, but even Obed could not do all of that for me. God did. He showed me that happiness was an inside job, that He was my security and that His love was the only love that could fill any void I had.

He also taught me how to love myself more and see myself through His eyes. God renewed my faith when I was hopeless, He mended me when I was broken and He gave me the strength that I needed to press forward, regardless of my circumstance. That being said, I want to ask you this:

Where do you find yourself right now? Are you in a valley you need to be rescued from? Do you feel anxious or uncertain about a decision you need to make? Or are you trying to control a situation that you do not have the power or authority over?

Whatever you answered or wherever you are right now in your life – maybe, just maybe, you need to muster up a little faith, let go and let God! He is in control of all things. Never forget it.

God is greater than the highs and lows. Trust.

 

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