Bajo El Agua

The past few weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind for me. I have moved, I have had to deal with loss and most recently, I was assaulted at gunpoint. Yep! You read that right. It was the most awful experience of my life to date. It’s been quite the process, but I am doing my best to deal with the trauma of it all and I have found that blogging and talking about it helps.

I have felt so lost, confused, lonely and irritated by this. It’s been a rush of different emotions. I’ve felt angry, frustrated, paranoid, and of course grateful, but man! When I tell you that I am on a roller coaster of emotions, I don’t even think that adequately describes my emotional state. Thankfully, today, I am going to see a therapist that specializes in trauma and I am also attending a trauma support group. Definitely looking forward to both.

Right now, I feel “bajo el agua” (underwater) like I am literally drowning in water with a need for fresh air. Sometimes I get severe anxiety just thinking about what transpired. I just keep thinking that I am going to see this person again. Like a scene from a scary movie, where Michael Myers or Jason just pop up out of nowhere in your back yard as you look out the window at night. It’s such a horrible feeling. I am carrying a gun with me at all times now. I can’t sleep well. I’m constantly paranoid and scared of just doing the normal things I would always do, even as simple as stopping for gas.

I suppose in a way it is good that I am more aware of my surroundings. I’ve always been a very free-spirited, fearless and bold person, always finding and seeing the best in others. Never in a million years would I have considered or even thought that this would happen to me. It has definitely been a life changing experience. I just hate that this happened. I hate how it makes me feel and I hate that I am uneasy around every black male since the incident. It is awful and not how I want to live my life.

Today, however, I am looking forward to taking the necessary steps toward healing from this trauma. I have a ton of people praying for me and over me. I know that God still has a plan and purpose for my life. I’m just trusting that God will deliver me from the feelings I have from this experience. I know it will take time, but God is healer and I know that if I continue to keep my eyes on Him, He will direct my path.

God is reminding me of how truly special I am to Him. He holds me in the palm of His hand. I am forever grateful for His love, protection and provision in my life. I am reminded that He is my provider, my husband and my keeper. With everything going on it’s been easy to start missing Obed, but God is who I need to lean on. Obed is a wonderful person and I am sure if he were aware of what has happened he would be there for me, no doubt. However, God is calling me to lean into Him and not into anyone else for comfort. I do still miss Obed of course, especially right now, but God is my comforter.

In the midst of everything, even in the difficult moments when I wish Obed was around, God reminds me that I am not alone. He is there for me and was there for me that night. He shielded and protected me and for that, I am forever grateful.

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