In Waiting: We Find Peace

Eight (8) years – that is how long Obed and I would have been together this month, had we not gotten divorced. Our dating anniversary was July 23, 2009. Before, dates like this affected me so much. It made me so angry and upset. My heart would feel so heavy and sometimes it would bring me to tears. I’d allow an entire day be ruined by my double-mindedness. I would claim to have faith in God and trust in His plan for my life and my marriage, then I would contemplate over and over why or how we ended up divorced. A marriage I felt so strongly about and believed would be forever – now dissolved. It was heart-wrenching to go through, but looking back, I would not change my heartbreak or pruning for a “happily ever after”. I know God has that in my future.

One year and seven months later – I am stronger, wiser and more confident in who I am without Obed. As I have stated before, I don’t have anything negative to speak on in regards to my marriage or Obed as a human being. I will always regard him as a very special, unique and sweet person in my life. This does not mean that there were not any negative things about him – in fact, there were many. I just choose not to degrade him because regardless of my circumstance, I learned from him.

My short-lived 4 years of marriage helped make me into the person I am today. I learned so much about myself during my marriage and even more so after my divorce. I became a different person. I’ve learned to be a better listener, to be more compassionate, less judgmental and even how to fight fair. I understand now, that marriage is not about me. A husband is not responsible for making me feel happy or complete. Marriage is about honoring God. It is a covenant between two people to put Him first, while being selfless, drawing closer to God in unity with the person you have chosen to love, every. single. day. 

Love is a choice; it is not a feeling. Actually, it is more than just a choice, it is the intentional and unwavering decision to continue to love someone, despite their flaws. You know – like God loves us? Unconditionally.

That is how I tried to love Obed and sometimes I failed at it but I love and respect him enough to keep his flaws to myself. My mother always told me that a marriage is between 3 people: you, your partner and God. Everything else is not anyone else’s business.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I will share with you some of the lessons and not so glamorous moments in my marriage, because if it were all just rainbows and butterflies, I wouldn’t be blogging about my divorce. Obed wronged me. He betrayed me and hurt me. He absolutely was not a perfect mate, but neither was I. I was selfish. I didn’t always love him unconditionally. There are so many times that I can remember when I tore him down, instead of lifting him up. I was snide, disrespectful and I didn’t always honor him as my husband. He is guilty of the same. It’s bound to happen, when you get two imperfect people together. Regardless, however, I am grateful for my marriage and my divorce.

Y’all may or may not remember, but I posted a blog about blocking Obed, a while back. I felt like I needed to in order to sort things out within myself and “get over” him. However, that has since changed. He is unblocked, and we are now friends. It still kinda bothers me to regard him as such, because he was so much more than that to me, but it is what it is. We are friends.

I spent a lot of time, thinking of all the reasons why I should not be his friend. In fact, I’ve never been friends with an ex. I mean I don’t hate any of my exes. I would smile or say hi if I ever happened to run into them in public but with O, it is different. He was my husband. He was ONE with me and he is a scar on my heart that will remain there forever. Now if you are wondering why, I would keep in touch with him at this point, it is simply to share God’s love. One of the things that I remember so vividly about the demise of our marriage, is something Obed said about me to our marriage counselor. He told our counselor that because of me, he knows that God exists!

I don’t know about you, but that to me is pretty powerful. It means that I somehow impacted his life in a major way. It means that regardless of my imperfections, Obed saw God in me. Since my divorce, I have prayed and pleaded for God to show me if I need to let Obed go and this is what He has shown me:

I need to let go of the things over which I have no control. I need to let go of my feelings of fear, anger, resentment, uneasiness and judgment. It is not my place to understand God’s plan for my life, it is my place to trust Him. He has shown me that I can still love someone even when that love is not well received or reciprocated. He has replaced all those negative feelings with confidence, serenity, excitement, peace and acceptance. I know now, that I can be Obed’s friend and still love him from afar. It is ok for me to share God’s love with him and continue to be a light in his life. I don’t have to be constant, but I can be present. I can continue to pray for him and be a friend if he needs one.

I’ve let Obed go as my husband, but I have held on to hope that God will bring a new love into my life, when He is ready. One that will have many of the same qualities that I admired so much about Obed and even better ones, that I cannot even begin to imagine. Enough time has passed now, that I have let go of the idea of only loving Obed for the rest of my life. I have given myself permission to love someone else, and not feel like a failure because my marriage didn’t prosper. I understand now, that nothing I plan for my future will ever be prosperous, if God is not in it.

His plan will always prevail over mine, and that is where I want to lie down to rest and wait on God to fulfill His will for my life, whatever that may be.

 

 

 

 

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Letting Go & Letting God

Well…hello sweet friends! How are YOU today? I feel great, I am in a fantastic mood but I will admit, I was hoping I would have a blog post up the day after Independence Day but that didn’t happen. I promise I had every intention to, but life happens!

So today I want to blog about letting go and letting God direct your path. This is something that I have always had a bit of struggle with and maybe you can relate. I grew up being a believer and knowing of God and all His might! Maybe you did too. However, I feel that as a young believer, we cling to our faith by piggy-backing off of our parents faith. We believe because we are taught to. We believe because we have seen God’s good work through our church experience and we grow to love God. Yet, I truly believe that we do not really come to fully know God until we experience His grace and mercy in our lives. It is during our most darkest hours that we can experience God’s love and light in our own lives.

Or at least that has been true for me…

You see, in my healing journey post divorce, I have experienced a different kind of God than the one I grew up knowing. I mean, don’t get me wrong – like, I know God is real, has always been real and ever-so-present in my life to this very day.

BUT GOD — has revealed Himself to me in a entirely different and new way.

&

THANK GOD for that. FO REAL, fo real!!! I honestly do not know how anyone can go through any period or season of their life in hardship, without crying out and seeking God for help. A really close and sweet friend of mine said this one day in conversation (maybe not verbatim, but along these lines). Of course she was much more eloquent with her words, but it went something like this:

“The fact that we ask ‘why’ when we go through a difficult situation, is proof that God is real. Otherwise, why do we even bother to ask ‘why’? Or who are we asking? God exists, because we question the things that we do not understand…”

Isn’t that just beautiful and comforting? Even if you do not have a solid relationship with Christ, He still hears your prayers. He still searches your heart and He still delivers on His promises. He is your creator and He loves you, even right in the middle of your mess. If that doesn’t fill your heart with joy and comfort, I honestly don’t know what else would. We all want to feel happy, secure and loved in our lives and God can provide all of those things if you let Him. Before my divorce, I thought I needed a husband to feel happy, secure and loved, but even Obed could not do all of that for me. God did. He showed me that happiness was an inside job, that He was my security and that His love was the only love that could fill any void I had.

He also taught me how to love myself more and see myself through His eyes. God renewed my faith when I was hopeless, He mended me when I was broken and He gave me the strength that I needed to press forward, regardless of my circumstance. That being said, I want to ask you this:

Where do you find yourself right now? Are you in a valley you need to be rescued from? Do you feel anxious or uncertain about a decision you need to make? Or are you trying to control a situation that you do not have the power or authority over?

Whatever you answered or wherever you are right now in your life – maybe, just maybe, you need to muster up a little faith, let go and let God! He is in control of all things. Never forget it.

God is greater than the highs and lows. Trust.

 

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Progress = Happiness

Have any of you ever felt like something is missing in your life? Like you know you are on the right path and you are making progress but you just feel slightly overwhelmed? Sometimes, I feel like I am not where I want to be. Other times I feel confident in the direction that I am going and when I reflect on where I have been and where I am now, I find peace because I know I am exactly where I need to be.

Life isn’t always perfect, but it is always beautiful – you just have to stop to take notice.

Before I go on, let me apologize once again for being a bit of a slacker. I haven’t been on my blog game lately but I am re-committing myself to you all – my avid followers. Thank you for supporting my journey into bloghood! ha I have been working behind the scenes, however. I am connecting and networking with other bloggers and like-minded individuals to help me crush my goals. I want to build a successful blog and following. So, recently, I have been working on learning more about the blog hustle and venturing into other new business opportunities. A little progress each day, adds up – they say.

So, let me tell you about where I am right now. I hadn’t really had the time to blog recently because I have been “parenting”. Recently, my 18 year old niece and all her “wizdumb” has made herself a part-time living headquarter at none other than my tiny little Dallas loft. It has been challenging to say the least. I am not a parent, I don’t necessarily even like kids all that much if I am being honest, or at least not for too long, so you can imagine how I am dealing.

She costs me lots of money, I have to gripe at her for being irresponsible, and I also have to be wise in how I advise her. She just graduated high school, she thinks she has life figured out and well, she is also a brat. Now, don’t get me wrong, she is a good kid (or at least better than I was at her age) but she’s been through things that many people can’t understand. I won’t share her story, because it is not mine to tell. However, I will say that I have learned some things through the process.

I know that parents can’t always direct our paths as much as they’d like to. I also understand that parents can’t always save their children. I’ve taken on a responsibility that doesn’t necessarily belong to me, but I do it because I love my niece. I also do it because I love my sister and I hope that she knows, and all my siblings know that I love their children as if they were my own. I will always lend a helping hand, if I am able. The main thing however that I’ve picked up on during this season of my life, is that growth has to happen on it’s own.

How many mistakes did you make growing up? How many times did you roll your eyes at your parents, because you knew what was best? If you are like me, it was probably a lot. I have also learned that as wise as parents are and as much as they truly want what is best for us, they don’t always have the answer or know exactly what is actually best. We have to make our own lives, our own mistakes, our own choices, in order to live and to learn.

Apart from parenting, I have also found myself in this period of rekindling of my soul with my God. After my divorce, I really grew deeper in my relationship with Christ and I am still growing now. However, there are times when I feel forsaken, but I know that is not true. Those feelings come from a place of disobedience. Like I keep telling and asking God for certain things in my life and He shows me, and sometimes I don’t like the answer and I try again, ignoring the fact that He’s already heard my prayer and delivered. You see, the answers we seek, are not always the answers we want. Our flesh is weak and we want things to go a “certain” way but God does not work like that. He gives us what we NEED.

I have needed a lot of things, post divorce – healing, peace, joy, comfort, etc. & when I tell you that God is so faithful and He makes all things new, I mean it. Healing takes time. Growth is involved in feeling peace, joy and comfort in our times of sorrow. It is not always easy. Some days will be very difficult to get through, but when you come out on the other side – you can appreciate the beauty in your process.

Just like a diamonds and pearls are formed through great pressure and irritation; we are also made beautiful through our trials.

Right now, I am at a place of serenity. I have forgiven and re-forgiven. I have made peace with my own mistakes and failures. I’ve taken responsibility for myself and my actions and I have opened up my mind and my heart to receive whatever God has for me next.  My heart is happy and my soul is well. How are you doing?

Please write me if there is anything that I can help you pray for. It would be a great honor, dear friend. “May the Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you;  the Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace.” – Numbers 6:24-26

Until next time my friends! XO

 

 

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Fiesta for Jesus

Hola ebribadi!!! How are things this beautiful Friday? Are y’all celebrating Cinco de Mayo? Of course, I will be. Typing this out, MARGARITA in hand! Ha Ok, I am kidding, but I may have one or two later this evening. I apologize now, for having been MIA. I really am trying to do my best to stay on top of my blog game. It’s difficult at times juggling career, social life and family. I don’t have kids, but I mother some of my nieces and nephews from time to time. So believe it or not, my hands are full and schedule is always filled.

Recently, I have been trying to really find direction in my life. I have been doing a lot of self-reflection and I have come to the realization that I simply need to disconnect more. I went to a faith based retreat, called Tres Dias over the last weekend, where for 3 days, I disconnected to spend more time with God, our Father. It is honestly such a wonderful experience. Women of all walks of life, different practices and religious affiliations loving each other with the love of the Lord. It is absolutely beautiful and very moving to see God’s good work. There is nothing more powerful, more inspiring and humbling, than to see complete strangers, gather together to pray, praise, and worship, lifting each other up to the Most High.

The very first time I attended this retreat, I went shortly after my divorce. At the time, I was so angry, depressed and broken inside but God used these women hosting the retreat to touch and bless my life in a way I could have never imagined. I walked away from that experience filled with so much hope, love and confidence. I had to leave all of my “baggage” at the cross and trust that God was who He said He was and that He was going to help me overcome the pain and heartache that is divorce. All of the women there in some form or fashion touched my life. They taught me so much and through their testimonies, I was able to really see how wonderful and amazing God’s unmerited grace really is.

Now, every time I go back, I go back to serve the Lord and like all of the women before me that served me, I go and serve the women attending for the first time. Each time, I am more abundantly blessed, than the last. It is really something special. I won’t share anything about anyone’s testimony, because it is not mine to tell. However, my prayer for you is to have an open mind, open heart and open spirit to receive God’s blessings. If you ever get the opportunity to attend a faith based retreat, I hope you do it. Your life will be transformed. I know you’ve all probably heard this before, BUT

“There is power in the name of Jesus!”

Today, tonight, or whenever you read this, I hope you put on your armor of God, go out in to the world with confidence and leave anything burdening your heart with Jesus. Let’s celebrate this Cinco de Mayo living for Jesus. Party with Him and see just how wonderful He really is.

“Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all to the glory of God.” – 1 Corinthians 10:31

CHEERS friends, XO

 

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Spring Has Sprung

YAY! It’s finally Spring y’all! Has everyone else been looking forward to it as much as I have? I don’t know about y’all but although I am a lover of Winter, I was ready for Spring. I love all the April showers and soon to come May flowers. Nothing makes me happier than beautiful Spring-time blooms. I re-potted some flowers recently and they are blooming beautifully! How about y’all? Has Spring been good to y’all thus far? I sure hope so!

Well, today, I wanted to hop on and give y’all a quick update on my healing journey. Life is grand! I am doing well most days, still have an occasional few somber days here and there, but it’s getting better with every passing day. I am very grateful for that. I’m also still playing the field. I have a few cuties I am juggling and getting to know. It’s actually nice to finally enjoy being single and putting myself out there. I know for sure that I am not ready to commit to any one person for the time being, because honestly it just wouldn’t be fair. My whole heart cannot be in it right now. I still love and miss Obed, but at least now I am able to move on with the idea that I will eventually find someone to love.

& now, that Spring has sprung, it’s Pimp Season! HA

Right now, I am still working on myself and focusing on my own wants and needs in my life. However, I will say, that it is quite nice to have men-friends that show interest and reassure a sista, that she never-ever really lost her groove! tee-hee Now, if only I could meet a dude with $100 million dollas! I would marry him in a heartbeat! HA HA

I’m totally kidding y’all. Y’all know I am a woman about her hustle. I always joke around about being a gold digger, now that marrying for love didn’t quite work out for me! Really, it’s all just bullshit. I am a woman of morals and values. Now, I AM a goal-digger, but I also ain’t messing with no broke jiggas! Do y’all feel me?

Recently, all the guys I have on deck as potential “babes” (as I like to call them), all have something great going for themselves and I can dig it. There is something sexy about a man that has his shit together. What I really look for in a mate is chivalry, respect, and most importantly a relationship with Christ. If a man has that, the rest just kinda flows together. Of course, a great, laid-back and adventurous personality totally resonates well with me. Life is too short to be boring all the time. I need some adventure, because you better believe that if you roll with me, there is never a dull moment!

I want a man to keep me on my toes, make me laugh, smile, court me and of course, feed me and you can have my heart! HAHAHA

Well folks, that’s really all for now. Stay tuned for more of my silly pimping adventures on my quest to find new love. I will blog more about some of my dates later. Toodles!!!!

 

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Everything Carries Me To You

It’s 3:02 A.M. Wednesday, March 29, 2017. Outside, there is a soothing and beautiful thunderstorm passing through. My patio door is open and I am listening to the rain fall. Every time it rains, I think of you.

Most other days my mind is occupied with a million other things that are not you. Every morning, I wake up grateful for another day of life. I start my days with daily prayer and meditation. Some days you are still in my prayers, other days, you are not. All I really wish upon you is health, happiness and prosperity. Nothing less.

I’ve been wonderful, in case you ever wondered. Life is good.

I’ve done a lot of soul searching. I have experienced growth, peace, and currently, I am still healing with each passing day. I don’t think of you every day anymore. I’m finally able to wake up and go to sleep without you being the first and the last person I think of each day. Regardless of this, however, I do still miss you.

Sometimes, I share stories about you, as if you were still ever so present in my life. It’s odd, but everything carries me to you.

Every time I have a meal that I know you would enjoy, I think of you. When I am watering my blooms, I think of you. When I smell shrimp, I think of that time that you gifted me some roses that smelled like them. I’ll have to blog about that later.

I used to get angry when I couldn’t stop thinking of you. Now, I just smile and wish you well.

I was in Taos, New Mexico recently, and everything there reminded me of you. I saw a street named Chavez, another named Luna, I went to a spa named Ojo Caliente, like the street that you grew up on. Even the moon and the stars over the mountains gazing down at us reminded me of you. You would have enjoyed the scenery.

I smelt you the other night, while I was taking a bath. It was the weirdest thing.

I haven’t dreamt of you in while but I am always dreaming…

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Oh, brother!

Hey friends! How is everyone doing out there? My day has been a little hectic work wise, but absolutely fun in general. I always say that any day above ground is a good one. So if anything, rejoice in that.

You are here, you are alive and if you are not well, remember that you are here for a reason. You are someone’s pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! BESOS!

I know I have been missing in action here recently, but I was on holiday and enjoying my Spring Break! I’ll share more about my travels here, later. Today, I wanted to share a little bit more about me so that those of you who have never actually met me can get to know me a little better. Aside from the fact that I am Latina, 31, fearless and now divorced, I wanted to share something about my person.

I am many, many things, but one thing I am not always is a lady! haha 

You see, growing up in a Mexican family, with like 20 kids (7—really, 4 boys and 3 girls) there are soooo many things that you encounter. People are all over the damn place, there’s all kinds of fights and fun times, it’s quite the experience! Even now as an adult, there are more damn people, fights and fun times. We are like the Kardashians times a thousand without all the fame, $ and scandals. Well, maybe some scandals, but we are the absolute closest, tight-nit family. We may not be rich, but we are most definitely rich in the things that actually count – like LOVE.

I am the baby in the family and well we all know that the babies are the absolute fav! hehe I am the youngest of 4 boys and 3 girls. My two eldest siblings are my sisters, then a set of twin boys, two other brothers and then me. & when I tell you that there was never a dull moment, I mean it.

To this day, not a day goes by that something hilariously funny, dramatic or serious goes on in our family. We support each other 100%, no matter what, even when we dislike each other. We don’t hold our tongues, we are not shy and we definitely all defend each other like beasts. I seriously feel like I grew up in the best family. I realize all families have their dramas and unfortunate situations but my family has endured so much adversity. We have overcome some rough hardships but we still stand strong. It is absolutely amazing! I’ll share more stories about that at a later time.

Today, however, I wanted to blog about how I became the “Lil’Bro” of the fam. You see, aside from attempting to be a classy, sophisticated lady, sometimes I gets down and dirty. I am truly a tomboy at heart. I’m not a fashionista or make-up guru. I like trucks and fast cars. I know how to change my own tires, oil, battery and spark plugs to my own vehicle; and if I ever needed a jump start, I carry cables in my car! Sometimes I burp out loud, I definitely don’t like housework and I will literally fight a dude, if I had too. I’ve done it before, back in my wild days. I mean, seriously I grew up with 4 brothers!!!

They taught me mostly everything I know about life. We used to beat each other up, we tackled each other and I am the only sister they invite to “bros” nights. They always joke about how I am such a dude. So, naturally they nick named me “Lil’ Bro”. The girly part of me hates that, but I just laugh because they could not be more accurate. I am so the type of girl that prefers to not wake up at 5am to get glammed up for work. Most days I wear heels, because I love them, but I also love to wear my scuffed up cowboy boots, jeans, a good ol’ tee and a baseball cap!

I have grown to be quite the interesting concoction of a young lady, if I do say so myself.

I realize every day how absolutely blessed I am to have grown up in my family. We are not perfect, but we love each other deeply. When any of us are in despair, we all feel it. We uplift and encourage each other. We pray for each other and believe in one another. Nothing in the world is better than family. Even when things are not always rainbows and butterflies.

My sisters and I are super close too, but I could never relate to them growing up, as the youngest. By the time I was 8, both sisters were already out of the house. I spent most of my time with my brothers. Now, as a divorcée, I appreciate that a thousand times more. Being raised by my brothers, helped me to be an independent, sometimes stubborn but a very strong-minded individual. They have taught me chivalry, strength, patience and of course, how to kick some ass! Being a tomboy has really helped me deal with my heartbreak too, because I process the whole situation in a different manner. I definitely see the girly side of it and being a super emotional drama queen about it but I also take the more laxed and chilled approach to it too.

Guys handle conflicts and emotional distress in a very different manner than we women do. When I get to talk to my brothers about my heartache, they are so quick to prove to me how ridiculously over-analytical I am on so many levels and they remind me that regardless of my situation, I am much stronger than I think I am. They don’t forget that I am a woman and even though they call me “Lil’Bro” they also remind me of how proud they are to have a little sister that can take care of herself without a man around. They have also pointed out where I need to make some more “womanly adjustments” to help my next man, not feel so intimidated by me!

If there is one thing divorce reminds you of, it is where you have fallen short on some of your responsibilities. Although O and I were never a perfect marriage, I do see now, that there were some things that I could have handled differently. The last thing I will share that my brothers have taught me is that as much as men want to be manly, they are definitely more womanly than they think! They too, just want to be cherished, respected and loved.

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Turning Heartbreak Into Healing

Hello, all! How is everyone?

I AM ALIVE, I AM WELL, I AM HAPPY & I HAVE PEACE!

I am also pretty proud of myself for the progress in my healing journey. Today marks an entire month since I last spoke to or messaged Obed. I blocked him and I don’t regret it. Sure I still think of him and miss him some days, but there is no turning back. I have to move forward. Today I want to share about an experience I had recently and also how I broke the news to my nearest and dearest friends about my divorce.

About two weeks ago I visited a restaurant that O and I would frequent in East Dallas. It is one of my favorite places, called Palapas Seafood Bar. They have the best ceviche, estilo Sinaloa (Sinaloa, Mexico style seafood). It is absolutely delish! If you haven’t already gone to check it out, I encourage you to do so. On this particular night I went, I was sitting at the bar with a friend, enjoying a shrimp cocktail and a michilada (Mexican bloody mary).

Suddenly, the chef, came over to say hi and chit chat for a minute. She and Obed are old friends and used to work together. She approached me with a huge smile on her face. I hadn’t seen her in a long while and she proceeded to ask how Obed and I have been. She wondered why “we” hadn’t been by the restaurant in quite some time. Then, I told her that “we” were no longer an item. Her smile quickly turned into a frown as she expressed her sincerest and deepest sympathy.

An entire year later and I still find myself breaking the news to mutual friends and acquaintances about our divorce. I’m just glad I can finally talk about it without bursting into to tears. I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t still chip away a little bit at my heart. I suppose there comes a time in everyone’s life when you experience heartbreak.

Sometimes, your heart breaks when your favorite heels get scuffed or someone eats the last damn cupcake.

Heartbreak comes in all different forms. However, I know, that the most dreadful and painful of them all is when you lose someone you love. Whether it’s by a breakup, divorce, separation, death or simply disconnect. We all experience it. No one escapes heartbreak, unless of course, you are the Tin Man! Even though we experience it over and over again, it never gets easy.

Recounting my story of divorce has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. It does get easier each time, especially now that I am kinda over it. I mean…I am not “OVER it” but I have accepted my position and that helps me to able to talk about it.

Initially, when the divorce was freshly finalized, it was so difficult to speak about. I was still in shock of it all and kinda hoping that it was all just a horrible dream. However, once I got to a place of peace and acceptance, I realized that speaking about it and now blogging, has been the best thing for me.

The only thing that doesn’t get easier is breaking everyone else’s heart, and that is why this post is dedicated to all of my lovelies and bestest friends in the whole wide world!

I had the hardest time figuring out when was a good time to share the news of my divorce. There were times when I wanted to send out a mass group text but I knew I didn’t want it to be informal. I wanted to be in a better state, mentally and emotionally. I really needed the time to understand why I was in this position and how I even got here in the first place. Divorce is such a painful experience and sometimes, it takes time to process and accept your new reality.

Once you start sharing your story, everyone always has so many questions and sometimes you just don’t have the answers. You, yourself are still trying to figure it all out. I guess that is why I struggled so much to tell certain friends. I wanted so badly to share, but I just wasn’t ready to be a divorcée. Hell, I’m still not ready to be a divorcée, but I am. So I handled it the best way I knew how. I started telling them one by one, or in small groups, once I got past the confusion and intense emotions. I knew early on that I wanted to blog about it and I definitely didn’t want to have any of my close friends find out through a blog post. Can you imagine? They would never forgive me.

Every time I share my truth about my divorce, it still hurts a little bit, but I know that in that hurt, I am healing and that gives me comfort.

When I share my story for the first time with a clueless friend, I see their reactions and how their hearts break for me. It rips away at my heart, but it also helps mend it back together, because I know that in my pain, in this particular season of my life, my friends are there for me. They love me and they care about my well-being and that my friends, is one of the best things in the world.

So, to all my dolls, my confidants, my best friends from childhood and the ones I have made along the way, THANK YOU!

Y’all are my rocks, my diamonds, my priceless treasure of friends that are so near and dear to my heart and I could never imagine doing life without any of you. Y’all have laughed and cried with me, shared in my pain and helped me to see the silver lining, even in the most difficult times. Each of you have taught me something about myself that I didn’t know, which is, that I am much stronger than I think I am. With this post, I want y’all to know that my strength stems from you. I love y’all so berry, berry, much and I am forever grateful for having each of you in my life.

CHEERS FRIENDS! MAKE TODAY FABULOUS! XO

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Sometimes, I Cry

Hi friends! How is everyone on this drizzly and gloomy Monday? I can testify, that I have had much better days before, but I am hangin’ in there today, even if only by a thread…The past several days, I have been a little somber. I really make it a point to put forth my best effort to suppress those sometimes lonesome feelings and try not to drag myself down into a pit of sorrow. Despite having been divorced for a little over a year now, as time goes on, it does get easier, but I still have those days where I get emotional. There are still some nights when I just cannot seem to catch or even hold on to a Z. It sucks!

The whole process of divorce is one that takes a toll on you in several ways. One of those being exhaustion, but also the unexpected urge to sometimes, cry it out. Most days, I am fine. I have come to accept my position and I know that I am still on a roller-coaster of emotions.

Some days it seems as if I take three steps forward and take two back. The effects of divorce can creep up on you and I am still learning that it is actually, okay. There is no right or wrong way to grieve a loss in divorce. You have to feel it to get through it, they say.

A good friend of mine said it best, when I messaged her venting about my feelings on this very somber day, when I am missing Obed the most. Her response was,

“Acknowledge it. Observe it. Let it flow through you and it will pass. The deeper the river the tougher the drought. Hugs.”

Her response was perfect. It was everything I needed to read to wipe those tears away and pick my head up. I smiled, because even though I don’t feel strong today, I know I am not weak.

I am still learning that it is a normal part of the process and some days, redundant. One day you are having a ball and you are absolutely certain that you are well on your way to recovery. You understand why the divorce was best. Then, the very next day you can feel that there was still more that you could have done or should have done to save the marriage. You feel guilty about things said or done and you hate that you didn’t save your marriage.

Or some days you think, you absolutely did do everything you could and it was time to just let it go. Up and down, up and down, UP & DOWN! It is exhausting! So on the days I feel confused and the melancholy sets in…

sometimes, I cry.

Some nights, I just let out a tear or two and I cry out to God and I let Him have it. I so undeservingly cast my fears and my burdens onto my Savior. Sometimes I cry harder than others, but in the end I can always smile. Because although I am sometimes weary and restless, I still have joy! I rejoice in the fact that regardless of my circumstance I still have so much to be thankful for. God has given me the ability to wake up to another day and He has most assuredly blessed me in abundance. I have my health, amazing family and friends, a wonderful job, a super cute place, a nice ride, money in my banks and even pocket change.

I may not have everything I want but I have everything I need. Maybe I don’t have the husband that I so diligently prayed for, for so long, but I do have other men in my life that love me: my brothers, my daddy, and most importantly, my Heavenly Father! & if that can’t bring a smile to my face or make my heart pitter-patter, I don’t know what else would.

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En El Olvido

Por mas que pasa el tiempo, no logro olvidarte. Maldita sea el amor, maldita sea el olvido! Hoy, ya pasaron 13 meses y 23 dias, que aun no te tengo a mi lado. Possiblemente te siga amanando, o possiblemente solo este acostumbrada a tu amor.

Unos dias despierto sin pensarte, otros dias, no paro de pensarte. Pero nunca te olvido. Hasta hoy, no lo he podido lograr.

Usted no sabe lo que es el amor…

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