Hi friends! How is everyone on this drizzly and gloomy Monday? I can testify, that I have had much better days before, but I am hangin’ in there today, even if only by a thread…The past several days, I have been a little somber. I really make it a point to put forth my best effort to suppress those sometimes lonesome feelings and try not to drag myself down into a pit of sorrow. Despite having been divorced for a little over a year now, as time goes on, it does get easier, but I still have those days where I get emotional. There are still some nights when I just cannot seem to catch or even hold on to a Z. It sucks!
The whole process of divorce is one that takes a toll on you in several ways. One of those being exhaustion, but also the unexpected urge to sometimes, cry it out. Most days, I am fine. I have come to accept my position and I know that I am still on a roller-coaster of emotions.
Some days it seems as if I take three steps forward and take two back. The effects of divorce can creep up on you and I am still learning that it is actually, okay. There is no right or wrong way to grieve a loss in divorce. You have to feel it to get through it, they say.
A good friend of mine said it best, when I messaged her venting about my feelings on this very somber day, when I am missing Obed the most. Her response was,
“Acknowledge it. Observe it. Let it flow through you and it will pass. The deeper the river the tougher the drought. Hugs.”
Her response was perfect. It was everything I needed to read to wipe those tears away and pick my head up. I smiled, because even though I don’t feel strong today, I know I am not weak.
I am still learning that it is a normal part of the process and some days, redundant. One day you are having a ball and you are absolutely certain that you are well on your way to recovery. You understand why the divorce was best. Then, the very next day you can feel that there was still more that you could have done or should have done to save the marriage. You feel guilty about things said or done and you hate that you didn’t save your marriage.
Or some days you think, you absolutely did do everything you could and it was time to just let it go. Up and down, up and down, UP & DOWN! It is exhausting! So on the days I feel confused and the melancholy sets in…
sometimes, I cry.
Some nights, I just let out a tear or two and I cry out to God and I let Him have it. I so undeservingly cast my fears and my burdens onto my Savior. Sometimes I cry harder than others, but in the end I can always smile. Because although I am sometimes weary and restless, I still have joy! I rejoice in the fact that regardless of my circumstance I still have so much to be thankful for. God has given me the ability to wake up to another day and He has most assuredly blessed me in abundance. I have my health, amazing family and friends, a wonderful job, a super cute place, a nice ride, money in my banks and even pocket change.
I may not have everything I want but I have everything I need. Maybe I don’t have the husband that I so diligently prayed for, for so long, but I do have other men in my life that love me: my brothers, my daddy, and most importantly, my Heavenly Father! & if that can’t bring a smile to my face or make my heart pitter-patter, I don’t know what else would.