There isn’t really anything I need to say today, other than I wish you the best. I’ll keep your number saved.
Today, I have been divorced for 2 years, 3 months and 11 days…
I cannot even begin to tell y’all what a blessing my divorce has been to my life. It is the single, most tragic, yet absolutely beautiful, life-changing thing that could have ever wrecked my life. It is amazing how things that are meant to break us and shake up our lives, can still allow for so much growth and beauty in our lives.
Perspective – that is what my divorce has given me. It has helped make and mold me into the woman that I am today. I can’t stress to you enough, how going through this experience was the best-worst thing that could have ever happened to me.
When Obed and I divorced, I thought we were in a fairly decent place. I was excelling in my career, as was he. We were struggling, but I was determined to make things work. We started counseling and it was going great. Then suddenly, a major shift happened and it was not a good one. I was so frustrated and focused on all the things wrong in our marriage instead of focusing on the good. Despite the progress we were making, in my mind, it was not happening fast enough. I wanted Obed to realize his faults and flaws but I never for a moment considered my own. I just thought he was wrong and that he was the problem in our marriage.
Control. That is what I wanted and what I kinda always intended in my marriage. Obed was sweet. He was very patient with me. He hardly ever went up against anything I wanted. I was spoiled. He treated me so kind and always did everything in his power to make sure I felt good. He was selfless in our marriage. I wasn’t.
Now, I was good to him too, but I was not patient at all. I admired and adored him for so many reasons, but I was also very selfish. I loved getting my way and enjoyed our marriage when Obed was doing the things I wanted him to. Some would say I was probably a bitch to him. My family actually always brought things to my attention about my participation in my marriage. They saw the way I didn’t always honor Obed in our marriage. I never listened though. I knew what I was doing, and I knew Obed would never leave me…until he did.
Looking back now…man (sigh), it hurts my heart sometimes. It is a tough pill to swallow. As much as I like to think I was such a good wife to Obed, in reality, I wasn’t. There were so many things he needed from me that I never gave to him. There were definitely a lot of things I needed from him too, but when we accept responsibility for ourselves and our actions, it helps make sense of why certain things transpired in our marriage.
Whatever was in my cup (my heart) was what I was pouring out into my marriage. When it was good, it was amazing! But when it was bad…it was ugly! I did and said things to Obed that were just awful. Instead of lifting my husband up and acknowledging all the goodness in him, I chose to magnify all his faults and flaws. I pointed out everything that was wrong in him, without thinking twice about myself and how I was affecting my own marriage. Instead of magnifying my God in my marriage, I magnified our problems. I didn’t know how to fight fair. All I thought about was myself and how I wasn’t happy in our marriage.
As time has gone on and I have taken my divorce one day at a time, I can recognize how I contributed to the demise of my marriage. I understand now how I never listened to the things that Obed asked of me. I realize, that marriage is not only about “you” and what you get out of it. It is more about what you put into it. It is about loving your spouse where ever they are, in good times and in bad.
Marriage is about choosing to love your spouse, even when they are unlovable.
Marriage is hard work, no doubt. However, if you take a look at yourself first before you point out all the ways your spouse is failing you in your marriage, you might find that they are not the problem. You may discover that you have your own issues that you need to work through. Your husband or your wife is not responsible for your happiness. You are. They are just there to support you. They are your picker upper, when things aren’t quite right. Your spouse should be the person you confide in the most to help you be the best version of yourself possible. & if they aren’t healthy and happy, pray for them. Think about how you can show them grace, the way that God shows us grace every single day.
How can you love your spouse more like Christ loves us? Are you magnifying your problems instead of magnifying your God? Are you creating more problems in your marriage instead of creating a solution? Or have you even considered for a moment, that there is something you could be doing differently in your marriage?
Love your spouse. React to them in love, instead of lashing out. Honor them and check yourself first, before you start pointing fingers. Don’t think for one second that you are not responsible for where you are in your marriage – whether it is good or bad. Check the condition of your heart and it will change the condition of your marriage.
Well, I have officially been divorced 1 whole entire year and 8 months to the day. I honestly can’t believe that I am only 4 months shy of being divorced for 2 whole years. It went by fast and let me tell you that I am proud of where I am. I can’t even remember the last time that I cried for Obed. Of course I still miss him on occasion and yes, we still talk from time to time, but most days, it is just me, myself and I!
I never knew how much I would enjoy being single post divorce. It is seriously amazing! I buy myself fresh flowers every week. Taking relaxing baths without interruption is life! I get the entire bed to myself on the nights I am not out sleeping on my balcony in a hammock and I don’t have to take anyone’s suggestions on dinner options. I just cook and eat what I want. Cooking for 1 – however, is still a challenge!
Life is grand y’all! There are so many exciting things happening in my life right now – like seriously! Being single has helped me come into this new appreciation for myself and what it means to be confident, bold and happy – like truly happy! Happiness, I’ve learned, is an inside job and I can now say, with certainty, that I am secure in who I am and what I want. I am super choose-y about who and what I will allow to occupy space, time and energy in my life. I only want the best – anything less than that, is simply not worth my precious time or energy.
I’ve spent so much of my time as a divorcée getting reacquainted with myself and with God. I have read countless self-help books and dug deep into the bible. I also make it a point to surround myself with family and friends that only speak life into my world. You know, people that lift me up and believe in all my goals, dreams and aspirations? That’s my tribe! It’s quite healthy and really helps me to look forward to what is yet to come.
Previously, I wrote about dating and being a little “playa-fo-life” but that just ain’t me, baby, it ain’t me! haha I had boo’s all over the world y’all! One of my besties even nicknamed me United Nations! hehe Dating is just not for me right now. I would rather focus on myself, crush my goals and let the next Prince Charming that is going to waltz into my life, sweep me off my feet – completely off guard! Doesn’t that just sound so pleasant? I imagine he is going to be pretty amazing to be able to handle me and all my wit, glory and sass! Do y’all even know how crazy it is going to be for me when I find a mate?
I feel like I loved Obed so much and I could never even fathom the idea of loving anyone else besides him. Now, however, things have changed. Sure, he still holds a piece of my heart, but my heart doesn’t bleed or yearn for him anymore. I am over it! ha No, not really, but I am healing and I have made a lot of progress. I still have so much love to give!
I have some really neat and important news to share soon, but I don’t want to give it all away in just one blog post (must spark curiosity and keep you coming back for more). I’ve got to build some suspense people! ha I hope everyone is doing well and life is treating you kind. I also hope you are receiving more peaches and cream rather than lemons. My wish for you, where ever you find yourself now, is that you would take a moment to appreciate the life you have, the people that are in it and the simplicity of the beauty that surrounds your every day life. If you search for goodness in your life, you will always find it. Be happy, be grateful, and be humble.
Appreciate what you have, the trials that have strengthened you and the love that you carry within. Don’t fret if you feel like you are alone in your suffering, whatever you might be going through. Rejoice and know that God is with you.
& ON THAT NOTE I WILL SAY: As-Salaam-Alaikum my friends! Virtual hugs, love y’all! XO
Have any of you ever felt like something is missing in your life? Like you know you are on the right path and you are making progress but you just feel slightly overwhelmed? Sometimes, I feel like I am not where I want to be. Other times I feel confident in the direction that I am going and when I reflect on where I have been and where I am now, I find peace because I know I am exactly where I need to be.
Life isn’t always perfect, but it is always beautiful – you just have to stop to take notice.
Before I go on, let me apologize once again for being a bit of a slacker. I haven’t been on my blog game lately but I am re-committing myself to you all – my avid followers. Thank you for supporting my journey into bloghood! ha I have been working behind the scenes, however. I am connecting and networking with other bloggers and like-minded individuals to help me crush my goals. I want to build a successful blog and following. So, recently, I have been working on learning more about the blog hustle and venturing into other new business opportunities. A little progress each day, adds up – they say.
So, let me tell you about where I am right now. I hadn’t really had the time to blog recently because I have been “parenting”. Recently, my 18 year old niece and all her “wizdumb” has made herself a part-time living headquarter at none other than my tiny little Dallas loft. It has been challenging to say the least. I am not a parent, I don’t necessarily even like kids all that much if I am being honest, or at least not for too long, so you can imagine how I am dealing.
She costs me lots of money, I have to gripe at her for being irresponsible, and I also have to be wise in how I advise her. She just graduated high school, she thinks she has life figured out and well, she is also a brat. Now, don’t get me wrong, she is a good kid (or at least better than I was at her age) but she’s been through things that many people can’t understand. I won’t share her story, because it is not mine to tell. However, I will say that I have learned some things through the process.
I know that parents can’t always direct our paths as much as they’d like to. I also understand that parents can’t always save their children. I’ve taken on a responsibility that doesn’t necessarily belong to me, but I do it because I love my niece. I also do it because I love my sister and I hope that she knows, and all my siblings know that I love their children as if they were my own. I will always lend a helping hand, if I am able. The main thing however that I’ve picked up on during this season of my life, is that growth has to happen on it’s own.
How many mistakes did you make growing up? How many times did you roll your eyes at your parents, because you knew what was best? If you are like me, it was probably a lot. I have also learned that as wise as parents are and as much as they truly want what is best for us, they don’t always have the answer or know exactly what is actually best. We have to make our own lives, our own mistakes, our own choices, in order to live and to learn.
Apart from parenting, I have also found myself in this period of rekindling of my soul with my God. After my divorce, I really grew deeper in my relationship with Christ and I am still growing now. However, there are times when I feel forsaken, but I know that is not true. Those feelings come from a place of disobedience. Like I keep telling and asking God for certain things in my life and He shows me, and sometimes I don’t like the answer and I try again, ignoring the fact that He’s already heard my prayer and delivered. You see, the answers we seek, are not always the answers we want. Our flesh is weak and we want things to go a “certain” way but God does not work like that. He gives us what we NEED.
I have needed a lot of things, post divorce – healing, peace, joy, comfort, etc. & when I tell you that God is so faithful and He makes all things new, I mean it. Healing takes time. Growth is involved in feeling peace, joy and comfort in our times of sorrow. It is not always easy. Some days will be very difficult to get through, but when you come out on the other side – you can appreciate the beauty in your process.
Just like a diamonds and pearls are formed through great pressure and irritation; we are also made beautiful through our trials.
Right now, I am at a place of serenity. I have forgiven and re-forgiven. I have made peace with my own mistakes and failures. I’ve taken responsibility for myself and my actions and I have opened up my mind and my heart to receive whatever God has for me next. My heart is happy and my soul is well. How are you doing?
Please write me if there is anything that I can help you pray for. It would be a great honor, dear friend. “May the Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace.” – Numbers 6:24-26
Until next time my friends! XO